Creatures

Hey London

I have a question to ask you. Ready? No that wasn't the question. My question to you London is this;
Why the hell are your creatures so big?

The pigeons here are the size of large cats. They still look as fucked up as ever, in fact, we saw one while walking down High Holborn that had a large part of it's skull showing from where it had been brutally, if not quite mortaly, wounded. They are a lot braver here also. You could quite easily reduce their population with nothing but a pair of boots and a casual stroll to the shops if you were so inclined. Their flying ability is lackluster at best. I thought to start with that perhaps it was me showing how much of a tourist I am by ducking left, right and centre as these gigantic birds took a beeline for my head.

Speak of beeline. Bumble-bees. Fucking fat little bastards. How bizarre are you guys. You're round. There is no definition to your shape, you look adorable.

But I digress. Before we diverge too far from the talk of giant birds, what is with the seagulls over here. They're monstrous. Are they even seagulls or am I looking at a small albatross? They're huuuuuge!

Now all these above creatures I can deal with. They amuse and sometimes annoy me. They definitely astound me. One creature I cannot stand or even understand is the fucking monstrosities they call mosquitoes.

They're fucking huge. Think of the biggest mozzie you've ever slapped while drinking on a veranda in the middle of summer and multiply it by 3. Now I'm sure you're all saying "Mozzies are bad everywhere". This is true. Everywhere else where they are bad you tend to have the trade off of 'Nice weather'. Really folks I mean that. I'm in fucking London. Mosquitoes have no place here, no reason to be or to exist. Also they're quiet fuckers! How is the biggest damn mosquito ever born also the quietest. Back home I could generally smash one to death in the dark, roll over and go back to sleep. Here I can't. They sneak up on you and after 3 or 4 bites you begin to realise there is a mozzie in your room. After turning the light on and straining your sleep deprived eyeballs to find it, chasing it around the room six times and then getting its guts all over your hand you're so wide awake that rolling over and nodding off again is out of the question.

Thus begins my vendetta against the mutant mozzies of London. I shall not rest until I have the innards of every damn mosquito that crosses my path strewn across the house. I shall not rest as long as these abominations continue to roam the skys of Bethnal Green. I shall not rest as I will forever be covered in the biggest, itchiest fucking bites known to man.

God damn British creatures.

End Post