Actually travelled

So late last night I set out on my big adventure by driving all the way to the distant lands of Melbourne, my previous home of 23 odd years.

I have some gripes about the journey.

First of all. In future, please do not close the only entrance to the M5 that I even know exists. It makes me take wrong turns, do laps of the airport and then end up following a truck in the rain because he looks like he knows what he's doing.

Second...Gundagai! What makes you (and your road) so special that you get a ridiculous song written about you. Worse yet, I know part of the song, but not enough for it to be fun. No, it gets stuck in my head on the small part I do know then somehow transforms itself into Led Zepplin's "Stairway to Heaven". I can't even think right now if the two songs sound similar or if my brain was just fucking with me.

Next.... Holbrook. What a stupid town you are. You have the H.M.A.S. Otway (a submarine) parked IN CONCRETE in the middle of town. Now I'm no geologist, or geographist, or which ever "ist" deals with waterways and landmarks etc, but I do know that this submarine wasn't sailed to it's concrete resting place. In fact, with the aid of google maps I have now learned that you are probably a good 250 kilometres to the nearest part of Australia's eastern coast, and that's in a straight line. Sorry Holbrook. Your gig is up.

While we're on shit towns, Benalla. I didn't stop at you this time, but you deserve a big fuck off for the time I did have to stop there 7 or 8 years ago....don't think I've forgotten about your round pool table or your rip off merchant radiator shop.

Hume highway roadworks. I don't think I need to elaborate. You are a pain in the arse.

High beams. Hey folks, just because there is a rather large area between the north and south bound lanes with some scattered shrubs does not mean you aren't still blinding me. I hope you all burnt out your headlights leading to fiery deaths.

My biggest gripe of the whole journey was after the lovely "Welcome to Melbourne" sign however. The western ring road is great, avoids all the congestion one used to face coming down Sydney Road. My problem with it is the sneaky fucking cameras placed every couple of miles. Making the roads safer by placing a camera somewhere with a big sign saying "HAI THERE!!! WE HAS CAMERAS YOU KNOW?" is one thing. Sticking them every where with no warning is pure revenue raising and makes me sick. Well guess what Victorian Government. If I got caught, I'm not paying. I'll be about 10,000miles away. Add it to my bill. Especially if it was the one placed behind the tree. Sneaky bastards.

Also traffic. Fuck you traffic.

Finally to Triple J. Pick a damn frequency. Or have some sort of "trip planner" available so people can go "oh, so we're past Yass, now we tune to 94.2" or whatever so I don't have to put the radio on scan then get assaulted in the ears by a guy calling the dogs at 3am (fucking Holbrook). WHO'S LISTENING TO THE DOGS AT THAT HOUR!!!? HUH!?

But after all of the above I have made it safe and sound. I am here and it's a beautiful day, which I will spend in bed. Energy drinks deserve a big thank you from me. Cheers to V, Redbull and Mother for helping me get through this, my heart hates you, but the rest of me is grateful.

Thanks to Miranda for the sms conversation (illegal and unsafe while driving I know, but it kept me occupied). Thanks to Yass for always making me laugh with your McDonald's sign.

And finally thanks to my shitty old Subaru for not being as shitty as you've been in the past and getting me here in one piece.

Cheers
Alex

(edit)
P.S. One more point for Holbrook I just remembered. In the toilet of the service station I stopped at for fuel there was a sticker someone had placed on the wall stating "White Men Can't Funk". In true country town Australian style scrawled underneath it in texta was "PIGZ ARSE!!!". Fucking brilliant, in an incredibly sad way